10 Things Carrot Top Should Have Told Himself 20 Years Ago

carrot top

Carrot Top has been a comedian for what seems like forever, but definitely for a few decades. He’s been making funny jokes, headlining tours and being all that he can be for the past few decades, and he’s still at it. These days, he’s more a B-list (that high?) star than anything else, but it is nearly impossible to miss him with all that bright red hair. Throughout his career, he’s made us laugh, he’s made us cringe, and he has made us wonder what on earth he is still doing in Hollywood.

While we have no real answer for that last question, we can tell you that he’s still around. However, his career is not what he might have chosen for himself, and that’s a shame. Perhaps if he had mentioned a few things to himself, he’d be more famous today.

carrot top

Holding a Football Does Not Make a Man in Makeup More Manly

Of all the men in Hollywood, we are convinced that Carrot Top is the one who wears the most makeup. It’s really bad how much makeup he’s wearing these days. Perhaps if he took it off, that football might help him look a little bit like a normal man rather than a woman in jeans and a ripped up top. Whatever he thinks when he looks in the mirror, we wish he would stop.

carrot top

Pink is Not Your Color 

In all fairness, we don’t know if this shirt is pink or if it’s orange or if it is just a really faded shade of red. Either way, we do know that it is not Carrot Top’s color. He needs to stick to emerald green or black, but never anything that remotely looks anything like his hair. Perhaps a lovely blue would look good with his orange hair. I’m an orange and blue fan – Go Gators!

carrot top

Own It 

If you’re going to be a Hollywood star and you’re going to say offensive things, look like this and dress as if you haven’t a mirror at home, you have to own it. Stop hiding your face and own it; it’s what will make you feel confident and accepted. After all, it’s better to be yourself and have no one like you than to be someone else and have no one like you.

carrot top

Creepy Is Not Cute 

If you’re going to force yourself on the world with bad jokes and inappropriate behavior, don’t be creepy about it. There is just something so creepy about most of the faces that Carrot Top makes, and it’s our suggestion that he buy a mirror, sit in front of it and start practicing making faces that don’t make our kids want to run in the opposite direction. It might be the most helpful thing he could have told himself years ago.

carrot top

Don’t Use Steroids

I don’t care if they are over-the-counter or you have to track down an international drug dealer to get them; don’t. There’s something not right about seeing this man and his big feminine hair and his feminine makeup with muscles this large that does nothing for anyone. Perhaps he should have spent a little more time in comedy school than the gym.

carrot top

Focus on Your Career

Here’s an idea; perhaps Carrot Top should have told himself years ago that if he spent half as much time working on his career as he has his muscles, he might be in a better position in life. Also, can someone tell him that his hair is not good. I get that it’s his signature, but the messy top pony does not look good on him. It just makes him look scary. Oh, and stop with the eyeliner and put your tongue back in your mouth when you are posing for photos with teenagers. You are a creepy, creepy man, sir – we mean it.

carrot top

Eyebrows Are Important

I’m not going to downplay the importance of amazing eyebrows. What I am going to do, however, is make sure that Carrot Top knows that perfect eyebrows are not for men. Men need big, bushy eyebrows that are kind of a mess in a very put-together and elegant manner. They do not need an eyebrow pencil of their own. If I was to hashtag this statement, it would be Hashtag Put Down the Eyebrow Pencil.

carrot top

Your Skin Should Not be the Same Color as your Hair 

Maybe, just maybe, if someone mentioned to Carrot Top that the at home tanner makes you look orange, he would be in a different place. Am I the only one that has noticed he is often the same color as his hair? That’s not right in any way. He needs to lay off the orange tan. A nice bit of color is good, but looking like an Oompa Loomp – or Snooki circa her Jersey Shore days – is not a flattering look on a man of his age. No, on any man of any age, anywhere, all the time.

carrot top

A Little Sunlight is Good for You 

The sun is a notorious nightmare for redheads, but it’s not the worst thing for them. Even just a few minutes in the sun a few times a week has to be an improvement over the pale-ness that is Carrot Top right here. It’s a big deal for us to point this out given he has taken to tanning himself with an Oompa Loompa, but we’d like to throw out there that a spray tan by a professional might be a good idea.

carrot top

The Duck Face will Never Work…

especially on Carrot Top. The duck face is the worst thing that ever happened to photos and we would like to point out that it’s bad on women, but it is really bad on men. Carrot Top needs to lose the duck face and pick one that’s not creepy on an old man since it’s a favorite of teenage girls everywhere. It’s not doing anything for his career or our view of him.

Photos by Getty Images


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