10 Things We Can Expect From Kimoji, The New App from Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian

It’s a Christmas miracle; Kim Kardashian has launched her new app, Kimoji, and our prayers have been answered. With the recent birth of her second child, son Saint, with husband Kanye West, her family’s 300 reality shows and only 23.5 hours a day of all Kardashian all the time on television, not to mention the fact that one of her tabloid cover photos was kind of small this week, we’ve really been missing Kim Kardashian. My life is now complete now that I can indulge myself in all Kim all the time.

What a relief.

I was worried that with Caitlyn Jenner and now her son Saint, not to mention Kourtney’s little affair with Justin Bieber and the whole Lamar and Khloe thing, and Kylie’s lip stuff and Kendall’s modeling career that perhaps Kim would become less important to the world. Perhaps she might not be on every single magazine cover, every single website and every single everything ever in the history of, well, ever. I’m certainly relieved that Kimoji will keep her in our lives. The world can all breathe a collective sigh of relief because we now have Kimoji. Thank goodness. Here are just a few things we can expect from Kim Kardashian’s new Kimoji app.

Lots of Denial

No one over the age of 19 is going to admit that they’ve downloaded this app; they simply will not admit it. However, they will download it and then they will use it and hope that their friends and family don’t recognize these emojis. If they do, the user will then say that she downloaded it just for ‘fun’ and that she doesn’t care about Kim. Sure, that’s why she’s so popular.

Big Butts

I cannot lie; I really think that there will be a lot of butt texts these days. A lot of butt dialing, but not in the traditional sense; if there is one thing we can expect from Kim’s new app, it’s a lot of backside. Sir-Mix-A-Lot made the term famous, but Kim K. turned it into our every single day reality.

Serious Expressions

If there is one thing we can really expect from Kim Kardashian’s Kimoji app, it’s a lot of serious expressions. Known for being serious all the time, Kim is one who doesn’t take her expressions lightly. She knows there is always someone watching, and that means she needs to be on her “A” game all the time. Expect to seriously see some duck face emojis, some high cheekbones and some smoldering eyes. Seriously, these are all expressions.

Useful Icons

In a world where we have such a difficult time keeping up with the Kardashian family that we have to film them in 67 different shows and we are forced excited to see them all the time on television, it’s good that Kim Kardashian is bringing us some useful icons. For one, I desperately needed a middle finger with a huge diamond to more accurately represent my own hand when I’m in a mood. The one on my iPhone 6s Plus is not really as useful missing its diamond. I mean, really. Also, I cannot tell you how useful it will be to have a yeezy emoji in my life.

Modest Body Parts

Thankfully, I no longer have to worry when I’m sending out topless photos that they will fall into the wrong hands. Now that Kimoji is here, I can send a mock topless photo to my husband complete with a black bar over the lady bits so that he gets the point without actually getting the point, you know what I’m saying? Thankfully, the bottom Kimoji’s are very tasteful, too; like the one of her bottom in a thong. Very classy all the way.

Big Words

One of Kim Kardashian’s new Kimojis is very special. She’s showing us that it’s not all about body parts and duck faces and selfie poses; it’s about literacy. She’s now given up the opportunity to tell the world that they are basic without actually spelling out the word ourselves. Now it’s there for us to enjoy, and that makes life so much easier.

Appropriate Gestures

I do love a middle finger that’s so classy it has a diamond ring on it. Additionally, the one of the topless woman with her breasts covered by a black bar and all the butts on the new Kimoji app are so appropriate. I mean, I know that Kim is always appropriate, especially being covered and marrying such a fine young man, but this is just really good stuff.

All Proceeds Donated to Charity

Kim Kardashian is slated to make millions from her app today and in the coming days, and we absolutely expect that the proceeds of her sales are going directly to charity. Oh, goodness; you mean Kanye West is not her charity case? I really thought that she married him in hopes that she could keep him locked up at home and away from things like microphones and the internet so that she could do the world a giant favor. My bad.

Kanye’s Pride

He’s always so proud of his wife, and for good reason. She takes a butt selfie like no one’s business, and now she has her own butt selfie emoji. I’m sure we can expect to see some of Kim’s booty on social media in the coming days as he posts photos of his practically nude wife along with some sort of caption telling men to stop looking at his hot wife.

Tears of Joy

Kim is crying on her new Kimoji app, but we don’t think it’s tears of sadness. We think that she knows she’s about to put another gazillion dollars in the bank and she’s just going to show us ahead of time how proud she is of herself.

A Line of Selfie Sticks

Kim Kardashian launched a successful game in 2014, a line of successful emojis in 2015, and that means we have something to look forward to next year, right? My vote is a line of selfie sticks. Perhaps talking sticks that tell you that you need to angle it a bit to the right if you want to look even halfway decent.

Photo by Getty Images

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